One Question, My Response

In my last post, maybe you’re not shy and unconfident after all, someone asked this question:

I just have a thought on this. What about kids that are bullied or committing suicide or people being harassed or bullied in general or in bad relationships? If you’re around that too much you start to believe it. What do people do in these situations. If someone is constantly putting you down your thoughts are going to be negative. Hard to change when you’re constantly around that. What advice do you have for people dealing with that?

My answer ended up a lot longer than expected, so I decided to turn it into a post. Here’s my reply:

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your question.

I completely agree that it can be hard when you’re around someone or people who are constantly negative, whether intentionally or not. From Jamie’s perspective, I’m guessing his thought on this would run along the lines of pointing out that the way you feel doesn’t come from those people doing the bullying, no matter how ugly their words and actions.

Your feelings come from what you think about them and the situation. I’m certain If you were to ask him directly, he would be able to explain it more eloquently.

That doesn’t mean you justify their actions and ignore it though. It’s never OK to allow someone to get away with harassing or bullying another person. That still needs to be dealt with. What’s coming to me now as I write this is that opening up to this understanding helps a person take back their power.

It’s not about having power over anyone, but getting to a place where you realise that you can’t control what other people say and do and you’ll always have thoughts about them that either upset you or don’t bother you so much.

The challenge is in letting go of the thoughts that come in. The more we ‘hold’ on to them, the more they’ll affect us one way or another. But again, that doesn’t mean sitting back and accepting abuse from anyone. 

Another way of looking at it is in changing your perspective. When someone is constantly negative. The person to whom their being negative can get caught up in seeing from one angle only and they have nowhere else to go.

“He’s being so mean”

“Why doesn’t she understand that she’s causing me so much upset?”

Those thoughts, if you keep playing them over and over in your mind will drag you down.

If someone changed their perspective, they might ask themselves “I wonder what’s really behind that person’s behaviour?

We forget that often times, someone has stuff going on in their lives that they either don’t know how to deal with so they vent their frustration/anger on other people. For some, sadly, they just derive great pleasure out of seeing other people hurt and upset.

Either way, you end up getting ‘infected’ by their negativity. The best approach in this situation is to distance yourself as much as possible. If you can’t, try asking yourself the following.

  1. Where are my feelings coming from? (In other words, this person may be saying/doing xyz, but have they physically injected me with ‘hurt’?)
  2. What am I missing?

The important thing is once you ‘let go’ of the heavy thoughts that drag you down, more fresh, new thought will come in. The good news is, some of those thoughts will give you ideas or answers on how to deal with whatever tough situation you’re in.

So, the ‘heavier’ thoughts act like a blockage—ideas/answers/solutions can’t get through.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s easy to change perspectives and whatnot, but giving it a go will help to change how you feel.

To stay in touch and be a part of The Confidence Haven community, click here

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.