Why You May Be Finding it Hard to Feel More Confident

We all want to be it. To feel it. And to do more in our lives because of it.

We look at others who seem to exude this quality so effortlessly. But how? How did they become so confident in the first place? What did they have to do to reach that place or were they born with it?

In a post I wrote about you not being unconfident after all, I talked about a book I’m reading and how it explained that everyone is already confident. It doesn’t matter if you feel it or not. The fact is, according to that book, we were born with confidence and it has never gone anywhere—ever.

But even if what I wrote and the examples I gave in that post make sense to you, the whole how to feel confident thing might still be an issue for you. You may have even tried a whole host of techniques and self-talk to become more confident but when it doesn’t work, what next?

Why you might be struggling to feel more confident

I’m not going to claim that I have the perfect answer as to why you’re still struggling but there’s a possibility it could be to do with what you believe about confidence, so let me ask you a question. When you think of someone who’s confident, how do you imagine that person?

  • How do they act?
  • How do they stand?
  • How do they talk?
  • How do they walk?
  • What do they wear?

Whatever answer you gave to those questions, there’s a chance that those answers and your response to them, are the reason behind your apparent inability to be confident. That’s not to say that you can’t and never will feel confident. Let me explain a bit more.

If you’re reading this post, I’m going to presume that you identify in some way as being a shy or quiet woman. That’s no big deal and definitely not a terrible thing. But what if your answers to the above question looked something like the following:

Question                                                                Your answer

How do they act? Big hand gestures, super friendly and wanting to talk to everyone
How do they stand? Hand on hip(s), close to people
How do they talk? Loudly and use a lot of big, intelligent words
How do they walk? Like a model
What do they wear? Low cut, slim fit tops, heels etc


I’ve clearly made all of that up and your answers could be something completely different. The point I’m making, however, is that what if the idea you have in your mind of what a confident person looks like is something you don’t want to be?

Not because you don’t think you could be that kind of person but because it’s simply not you. In other words, if you were to try and become that person, it would feel fake. You don’t want to feel as though you have to become someone else in order to be confident.

That disconnect between you and that confident person you have in mind is going to get in the way of you getting to a place where you can start to feel confident in a genuine way. Your thoughts (whether you realise it or not) could be something along the lines of…

“I want to be confident but I don’t want to be THAT person”.

Feel confident without changing who you are

Instead of trying to force yourself to become someone you’re not, and failing every time, how about opting for being more of who you already are?

It makes sense and it’ll be a lot less exhausting too.

There isn’t only one type of confidence, it can come in different forms and I like to look at it as having a quiet inner confidence. It doesn’t have to be put out there for the entire world to see. So if you’ve been holding on to the idea that confidence is being a way that would only hide the real you, feel free to drop it.

Let go of it.

Your own kind of confidence is the only confidence that’ll be a fit for you.

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